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I realized something tonight, that I guess I knew all along.  People are always wearing masks.  It hit home when I heard one of my friends criticizing the work of another friend, a few days after I heard her complementing that friend for the same work, all because of the opinions of the people around her.  It makes me wonder, what masks do I wear?

The dutiful daughter, the faithful Christian, the dedicated worker, the carefree kid.  I wear so many masks I don’t even know who I am.  I wish I did.

It just seems like we as humans are always trying to fit into our niche, most of us do that by taking what we admire in others and trying to apply it to ourselves.  I try and copy a certain persons fashion, or carriage, or speech mannerisms.

For the majority of my life I’ve been trying to copy others to fit in, or to fit into the role they cast me in…usually the hyperactive fool.  Many times I go into situations thinking I’m finally going to act like I want to act, but then i slip back to the role they expect me to fill.  So I’m saying screw it, I like the way I draw, I’m not changing it for you.  I like the books I read, even if they’re kids books.  I like the way I dress, even if you don’t.  And I believe what I believe.  I’m not going to shatter your world to embrace mine, but I’m not going to fit myself into the roles others expect of me.  I’m going to try and be me, whoever that ends up being.



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I’ve played saxophone for ten years now that’s half my life, I just realized that.  Wow, I mean music has always been a part of my life but actually making it is a whole new game.  Theres something about seeing those black lines and dots on the page, words that some of my friends can’t read or understand.  Taking those words and transforming them into something they can hear and feel.  The way music just moves you, transferring you to the emotion the composer felt at the time.

I have 15 days worth of music in my itunes library.  Over 100 cd’s in my car and more scattered throughout the house and in boxes under my bed.  I call my high school band director mom.  Give grade schoolers tips and sometimes tutoring.  Music has intertwined itself into my life and runs through my veins.  I know it sounds weird but it’s true.

I can sing along with a song I’v never heard, once I memorize a song, it’s there, I don’t sing perfectly, but I like singing, I don’t play perfectly but I like playing.  Music helped me learn that I don’t need to be perfect as long as I don’t give up.  I’m still working on it but at least I’m trying.

2 Decades

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Today, June 18th, 2010 is my 20th birthday.  I feel old.  Mainly because I haven’t really done much with my life.  But I plan on changing that this year.  But now for a little back ground information.

I’m 5’9 and weigh over 300 pounds, I’ve been over 300 for 3 or four years.  I’ve been overweight pretty much my whole life.  I’ve tried diets I exercise regularly, sadly it’s pretty much genetic in my case.

I’m fairly healthy for a 300lb 20 year old, my only health problem is high blood pressure, but I’d be a fool to think that could last forever.  So I’m breaking this trend.  Monday my parents and I go to Kansas City for a doctors appointment, I’m on the path to get bariatric surgery.  I decided I want to document this year in my life, and since my handwriting sucks I’m doing it digitally.

So happy birthday to me and lets get this show on the road.